The N.L. East

The N.L. East

Here’s where I really start caring. Why? The Mets. That’s why. The fucking Mets. Ah the Mets. They are the reason I’m writing any of this really. I don’t care enough about the other 29 teams. Perhaps I would adopt another team were the boys from Queens not around, but perhaps not. I am not here to deal in hypotheticals, not that one anyway. Instead, let’s take a brief tour of this team as I have known them.

Growing up, my father was a Brooklyn Dodgers fan. He grew up in Connecticut, and it was probably between them and the Yankees. The Red Sox were a little too distant. According to the top historian on my staff Buck 65, the Dodgers moved West in 1957 and were replaced by the Mets in the 1962 expansion.

In 1981, at 3:30 in the afternoon on the 17^th of November, I was born in Manhattan. The Mets second and most recent World Series championship was just less than 5 years later in 1986. I know much about it now, but I don’t have any firsthand memories I can claim as my own. Perhaps in the buried recesses of my memory there are leaps of elation as the ball trickles through Bill Buckner’s legs as if he was so stunned by history happening that he caused it to happen, Mookie comes into score, Jesse Orosco records the final out…

I remember the great-but-should-have-been-better Mets of 1988. I remember the front page of the New York Times when Bobby Bonilla signed an ostentatious and before long disastrous contract. The early 90s Mets slogged through those years with the unforgiving slowness of a real New York summer. I don’t know if New York gets those summers anymore. I don’t know that they don’t- my last full summer there was in 2004. I just remember there were times that the heat would pour down from above and burn up out of the concrete, and if it didn’t make you so slow, you might imagine yourself slapping away fireballs with a ping-pong racquet.

After a few years of what could only be charitably called mediocrity, hope sprung eternal when the Mets developed three stunning young pitchers- Pulsipher, Isringhausen and Wilson to go along with all star pitcher Bobby Jones. Things were looking up. Isringhausen eventually had success as a closer in Oakland and St. Louis where they called him Izzy-gonna-blow-it? His career was by far the most successful of the three. Wilson seemed to constantly be recovering from surgery, had some scattered moments of promise in Cincinnati, and that was it. Pulse, my favorite, after his stunning debut with the Mets, battled injuries off and on, and never really got a major league career up and running. The team would have to wait until the late 90s to be a force again.

It is easily forgotten, especially with the other New York team enjoying one of the greatest stretches of dominance seen in the history of the game, but the late 90s-early 0s Mets were formidable. You didn’t want to mess with Fonzie-Olerud-Piazza. You didn’t want to hit a ball near Rey Ordonez. You usually couldn’t do much against Leiter’s cut fastball. My favorite ever baseball memory is this:

The other team is at bat. No, I don’t remember who they were. All I remember is a sharp groundball, up the middle, just to the right of second base. Looks like a single. Alfonzo darts toward it and stabs it with his glove, all his momentum sending him toward left-field. Freeze the picture there and it seems that he has made a nice play, that will simply mean that this is an infield single, as opposed to one that will be picked up by the center fielder. He is several steps behind second base and running in the wrong direction. He could try to stop and throw, or the Jeter jump-throw (this was before he patented it). Neither of those was likely to work, and it probably made as much sense as anything to just hold on to the ball. Instead, Fonzie did something I had never seen before or since. Without a moment’s hesitation, he flipped it to Rey Ordonez out of his glove. Ordonez was also behind second, running the opposite direction as if he had somehow foreseen this whole thing. He caught the pass barehand and fired to first in one motion. They got the runner by a step and a half. It was breathtaking. Most of the Mets teams I’ve seen in my day- if that happened it would seem like a bizarre fluke- incredible but mostly unintentional. People would find ways to make fun of them for pulling off something like that when the basics of the game sometimes seemed lost on them. Those Mets though, they had a swagger. They expected to win if the opponent was not the Yankees or Braves, and occasionally against them as well. Those moments were magical, but all the more so because they were within the reach of that team. They really were good.

The Mets of 2010 are, like, so many Mets teams before them, trying to disprove history, not continue it. The stunning failures of 2007 and 2008 were followed with a yearlong malaise in 2009. The entire rotation had a forgettable year. Reyes went down, Beltran went down, Delgado went down. Murphy didn’t hit how we’d hoped. The baseball gods could not fell David Wright by conventional means, so he got hit in the head with a pitch. To my knowledge, two Mets had seasons they can look back on fondly. One is Jeff Francouer. The not so long ago future of the Braves brought them frustration, outs and not much else. They swapped him for Ryan Church, who they released at the end of the season. It was addition by subtraction more than anything else. As a Met, Francouer was really good. It was only 2 months or so, but heads were turned and then scratched. He is to be the Mets starting right fielder this year. Let’s do the guy a favor and not really expect anything in particular out of this. The other Met who had a good year was Luis Castillo. He got on base a lot and still has decent speed. The Mets spent all winter trying to trade him. They found no takers. Anything like last year’s production would be fantastic.

There was one other Met who produced favorable noises. That was Josh Thole. There’s a good chance that he’s the next Daniel Murphy- a guy who you haven’t heard of, plays well once rosters are expanded, makes you ponder the next year and beyond, and it turns out there was a reason you hadn’t heard of him before. Still, Thole brings up one of the more bewildering offseasons the Mets have had in a while.

Josh Thole may not amount to much in terms of wins, but he’s someone for fans to be happy enough about. At worst he’s a fun backup who you can dream on a little. And he’s cheap, and will be for a while. What’s not to like. With Thole already in the fold, the Mets went out and signed catchers as if their value was cumulative. They signed three catchers. None of them hit much. Rod Barajas hits a little more than the others, and he’ll be the starter. Henry Blanco can throw out runners like no other and he’ll be the backup. Chris Coste will walk around with a puzzle piece in his hand to symbolize that he may have made sense to a team looking to contend who was in need of a backup catcher. I hope the Mets contend, but the only thing they definitely don’t need is a backup catcher.

As for the other positions, Wright, I think will bounce back from his bizarro power outage, Bay should whack home runs and move slowly, Reyes thankfully seems to have a normal hamstring and thyroid, so, y’know, that’s good, Beltran is our $18M secret weapon, Francouer is eliciting some nice spring training-esque praise, Murphy should be serviceable at first and Castillo may just “earn” his salary again.

I doubt there is more potential swing in any rotation in baseball. Last year existed almost entirely on the crappy end of the swing. There isn’t much to say here that hasn’t already been said. I watch the middle three- Pelfrey, Maine, Perez- with the concern usually reserved for trying to figure out if a friend or relative is just a little sick or really sick. The jumble of impressive-for-a-fifth starter fifth starters are impressive, but I don’t know how much I trust them the second and third times through the order.

What happens: Perfection, beauty, indescribable goodness. Perez finds a fastball-curveball thing that makes heads spin. Pelfrey fucks you up. Maine figures out how to be a crafty snapper with neat stuff. Nelson Figueroa sings opera solos. Francouer is dangerous in the 6-spot. Beltran plays many games and does what he can do. Reyes finds that magic balance between baseball and dancing.

That’s right, I’m picking the Mets to win the division. Deal with it.

2. The Philadelphia Phillies

So, these guys are good. Utley’s a beast, Howard’s a monster, Werth is worth it, Rollins will roll you, and because of their presence, Ibanez and Polanco can be nifty complimentary players. They also have the Flyin Hawaiian and someone who plays catcher. Sure they’re good.

Then there’s the rotation. Halladay is really really good. Hamels is very good and the rest of them will elicit few complaints as long as the first two do their jobs.

But what I really want to talk about is The Trade. Quick recap: the Phillies had Cliff Lee, an ace under contract for one more year who seemed to want to test the open market after this season. The Blue Jays had Halladay, even better than Lee, who was definitely gone after this year, and there was no way they were going to contend. On the same day, the Phillies acquired Halladay for some of their best prospects and traded Lee for some good but not quite as good prospects. They then extended Halladay for the next three years. The team improved, and they swapped an ace who would likely leave for one who will stick around. Not bad.

Still, so many have looked at what they got for Lee and wondered if that deal was worth it. What if they had just accepted a crappy farm system and gone Halladay-Lee-Hamels…. I think GM Ruben Amaro saw it like this. He had three options.

1) Make the Halladay trade and see what he can get for Lee or Blanton later. I think this was rejected because if you let fans fall in love with that rotation, they will be heartbroken when you break it up. I’m generally on the side of good decisions over the feelings of the mob, but this one I understand.

2) Do it all in one fell swoop. This is what he did. The problem is that by attaching the timetable of the Halladay deal to that of the Lee deal, you don’t have much time to let a market develop and find the right trade. Maybe Blanton gets you part of that haul.

3) Keep Halladay and Lee, trade Blanton if you can. Here’s my little pet theory. Amaro had pulled off the Lee trade- an ace for some good prospects- at the last deadline, and here he was about to do it again… and he kind of just freaked out. Looking at that lineup with that rotation- something just felt wrong. That and his farm system would be barren, his payroll overloaded- no we must take steps to reduce payroll and restock the farm. An ace for an ace. Prospects for prospects. We’re still improving the team.

Fair enough, but think about the alternative. First his team would be by far the most likely of any other to reach the World Series. They would be one of the four best teams in baseball and the other three play in the A.L. East. Second, if and when Lee walks away, they get two draft picks in a stacked draft (from what I hear- I know next to nothing about undrafted prospects). Finally, they are probably doing fine money-wise, but I think that rotation is worth some extra patronage, not to mention the increased chance of advancing in the playoffs which is lots of extra $$$. Lastly, I bet someone takes Blanton off their hands to at least bring the payroll back to where they want it.

Still these guys are good. I’ll give ‘em the Wild Card.

3. The Atlanta Braves

I wouldn’t be shocked at all to see another prolonged ascension from these guys. Not sure what to make of the Vasquez trade. Thought it was kind of dumb at the time. Everyone love Jason Heyward. Chipper is still Chipper, but he needs to be more of a complimentary player now. He’ll carry the team one more time for Bobby, but then it’ll be time for others to shoulder the load. They have good pitching too.

4. Fish!

These guys are always good. At the same time, they’re usually bad. Fear the fish.

5. The Washington Nationals

I’m still not sold on their name. Like a fine cuisine, it takes time to develop a real baseball team, but these guys seem to be some version of on their way. I fear Strasburg.

The N.L. West

1. The Rockies

It's time for all good cows to come to the aid of their pasture. It was a Tuesday and everyone was one day deader than they were on Monday. Isn't it over when the bat turns back into a person? Wait, were they vampires all along? Bring me the head of whoever said play fair. Rogue state, rogue house, rogue the x-man, by which I mean the x-lady.

2. The Dodgers

They are good, and yet, nope. The problem is L.A. That city is a problem. Anything that stays there long enough is likely to reflect the problem. That's why the Dodgers won't win the division this year.

3. Snakes on a plane!

These guys spin and slither. They will bite you. Isn't it weird how some teams are vastly better than others, but it is extremely rare for someone to be outside the 40-60% range of wins and losses. No one really approaches an outsider's idea of dominance. Snakes!

4. The Giants

Unfortunately, size only helps you so much in baseball, and then, after that point, it starts making it more difficult. Even the largest bats allowed are so small as to be unwieldy in your fingers. While you need few steps to get between bases, your bulk makes you lumber. You are very easy to tag. Gotta love the Freak though. I mean that guy is just awesome. And small. I've heard he looks 14 with his shirt off. I've heard that Pablo Sandoval is actually a panda, but it's just a rumor.

5. The Padres

While they're not that good, they can still be the Ringo Starr of this band. If the Beatles were the N.L. West, the Padres would be Ringo, the Dodgers Paul, the Rockies John, the Diamondbacks George and the Giants would be Billy Shears. Bud Selig would be Yoko Ono, the Cardinals would be Mick Jagger, the Brewers Keith Richards and the Rays would be the Velvet Underground. The thing is, I doubt that this era of baseball can live up to that era of music because most things don't.

The N.L. Central 2010

The N.L. Central

What is it about the Centrals? They are not places of fear. Their non-coasts are defined by mediocrity and uncertainty. This Central has a team that stands alone. The other does not. Still, the Central weaves good stories. It's tales aren't blown out by the ocean or swallowed by the heat of an overgrown metropolis.

1. The St. Louis Cardinals

Probably the most obvious pick in the whole shebang. They are not the best, but they are the most better. That's all. I like Pujols because he is magic without being magical. Pedro was magical. Big Papi, back when he was younger and on steroids was magical. Pujols- I think Pujols is just that good. He just outworks you and he's better.

2. The Milwaukee Brewers

I take back some of what I said before about the Central's mediocrity. I was a different man then. I failed to see the rising star in Cincinnati, the still decent roster in Chicago, the interesting tire stores of Pittsburgh and Houston. But mostly I forgot that the Brewers are still a nifty squad. I suppose they lack pitching, but where's your pitching? I mean seriously, where is it?

3. Here's where I really get to say "Ummm..." There are still four teams to rank and none of them are exactly jumping at me for the honor of third on this worst grouping of the world's very best baseball players. The way I see it, there are two groups of two. The Cs and then the pH. For this group I will reward direction by picking the

Cincinnati Reds.

I associate this team with heat. This is probably wrong. I don't know what the climate is like in Southern Ohio, but based on my four years in Northern Ohio, I'm not ready to declare it a place of heat the way much of the South is. The other thing I associate the Reds with is mediocrity. I think the last time I remember them being good was when I was in high school. It's very possible they snuck in a couple of good years when I wasn't looking- surely there best year of Griffey-Dunn wasn't so bad- but nothing worth more than a "pheh" has happened with this team recently, so part of me extrapolates that and figures that this is more or less the way it is. Now people are saying this team could be good very soon. Probably not this year soon, but perhaps the next one. I want to write anxious things about Dusty Baker and young pitchers, but it just wouldn't accomplish very much.

4. The Chicago Cubes

I lived in Chicago for three and a half years, ending this past August. In the many Cubs fans, I saw a little of the Mets fans I identify with. Being a fan of either one of these teams is more than anything about dashed hopes. Neither is consistently bad, and they will sometimes be quite good. They will keep you thinking that with a few breaks and a nifty second baseman, magic could happen. In the end the story is about the wrong-headedness of the higher-ups and the defeat of the lower downs.

Now I'm going to be a snooty East Coaster and say that the Mets breed seems to me more academic about this general state. Cubs fans are like sophomores who are still full of hope, still charged with orange energy. They will make jokes about their team's century-long championship drought, but behind it all there is something puppy-like. All teams have that to some degree, but Mets fans seem to have the awareness that they are merely the chorus in a Greek tragedy, and Greek tragedies only end one way. Still, I dream...

5. The Houston Astros

This team may slowly be getting smarter. It might be too slow, and... wait, they signed Brandon Lyon to, what was it 3 years $15M? See I was just getting swept up in this whole the Central is not that bad thing, and then I remember that. Here are words that sound bolder than they are: The Astros will never make the playoffs with Carlos Lee on the roster.
That leaves

6. The Pittsburgh Pirates

This team was very successful, or at least very good in some of my most formative years. Back when they had Bonds v.1, Van Slyke and the rest of the gang. Perhaps for that reason I expect them to rise one day. It's kind of like how my dad likes to say "Watch out for catchers." I like to think "The Pirates will be good one of these days." It's not based on a lot, and now I have come to realize that I am merely taking the notion that given enough time, any franchise will eventually be able to put together a very good team, and giving is slightly more weight when it comes to the Pirates.

Baseball! 2010!

It's here people! Didn't you know that every year I predict the baseball season? It's as true as whales. There are but a few rules: 1. The Mets Win. 2. Baseball is cosmically meaningless, miniaturely meaningful, meaningfully cosmic, meaninglessly miniature, comically full of seems (at least it seems that way), seemingly meaningful, meaninglessly cosmic. 3. There Are No Rules.

The A.L. Fucking East.

Don't you see what's happening people? They are accruing all the power! They are only pretending to fight each other, when really they build in strength until they will unite and crush the other divisions. The only hope to stop them is in the defector: Toronto. We can only assume that this has to do with them being in Canada. Stay in St. Louis Albert. Stay there or cross the border. Honestly, I'm sticking to Rule 1, but right now, I'm not sure the Mets deserve you.

1. The Yankees

I am, all of a sudden, as if awaking from a dream, upon which, nothing that was previously obvious still is, I find myself surprised that the Yankees are the best team in baseball. The Red Sox and Rays seemed to have outsmarted them, and an acidic element that seemed to erode their invincibility over time. Even the team that spends about three times the league average and 50% more than the next highest, even they cannot lock time into the late 90s.

It was odd how much talk there was of them "deserving" their World Series win. Tonya Harding doesn't deserve to win. The Yankees played baseball than anyone else. Thus, I am comfortable anointing them best team of 2009. This seems simple enough. It is also simple enough that the front office paid a lot of money in support of this, and that they dished out well over $400 million dollars in contracts the previous winter. Would a world in which C.C. Sabathia, charming and talented as he is, does not make $18 million dollars every year (or however much- if I don't look it up, it's because it doesn't matter), along with certain other changes, like drinkable water made accessible to the developing world, would that world be better? Or is there any greater-scheme connection between A-Rod's salary and those paid to teachers? That's where things get more complicated. I guess I don't care whether the Yankees deserved to win. Baseball is miniaturely meaningful. Deserve doesn't much enter the picture for me.

As for the games they will play, their rotation and lineup are both solid and loaded. Granderson might get a new jolt and give them a whole new deal at the top of their lineup. Jeter, Tex, A-Rod... these men are good at Whackstick. As if out of thin air they acquired Javy Vasquez. Their rotation is many things, but I can't imagine it won't be really good (by the way, in actual use, double negatives often don't mean exactly the same of the positive version of the statement.

I like Mariano Rivera because he is the only pitcher who basically just throws one pitch, and you can't confidently claim that he will age at anything like a normal rate until it happens.

2. The Rays

More gut than anything. That, and they are probably the second or third best team in the league. I mean this is the psycho division after all. I think Joe Maddon has another year's worth of doing his magic dance, and since they went berserko two years ago, they've always seemed to have an ambrosia flow of talent. Several scouts have used those exact words.

The Red Sox

These men wear red socks, and they are expected to be nifty at hitting, tremendous at defense, and monsters of the mound. Them winning the division seems as likely as any other outcome, and yet here they are in my predictions. I guess I'm loosely skeptical of this "new emphasis on defense." Yes the Mariners are charming, and my favorite play that I've ever seen in any sport is- well maybe you'll hear about it when I get to the Mets, but it's a defensive play. I just don't think it's the ticket to winning that recognizing on-base percentage for what it is was. Beltre is great, but I'm not saying DANG the Sox got BELTRE. I love Scutaro, but, I mean it's Scutaro. I actually love how this team is constructed. Awesome pitching, everyone capable with the glove and the bat, sneaky speed... it's just that I feel I described the Santana-Liriano Twins team, and that team would probably not have won this A.L. East.

But these Red Sox might. I believe these are the three best teams in baseball, with none of them significantly above any other. The Phillies could have been on that list, but we'll get to them.

4. The Orioles

There is a place called Baltimore.

It's... see once I... I've the bars are... the Wire took place in... there's this museum...

Adam Jones, Nick Markakis. I hear they're good. Other people too. Like Wieters. That's all I have to say about the Orioles.

5. The Blue Jays

It will be nice when this team can talk about the playoffs again. I don't know when that will be. No one does. It might be soon. It might be a decade or more. I have a reasonable amount of faith in the folks who run that team, whoever they are, but their division is a jungle. The Yankees aren't even crazy old any more. I feel like I could basically run the Mets. I don't know if I could run the Blue Jays.

The A.L. Central

Why do they call it the Central? Detroit, Cleveland, Chicago, Minnesota, Kansas City... these cities are in the Midwest. I've never called that area the "central" part of the United States, and I rarely refer to a region by its time-zone.

This is a division where I feel like there are teams that are good at winning and others that are good at losing. The Twins are somehow always better than you think they are, the Royals are pioneers of badness, the Indians ping-pong between these two and the other two do their best and hope it's good enough.

1. The Twins

Sometimes I wonder, but they are always better than you think they are. They will win baseball games.

2. The White Sox

Yeah, I dunno. Their lineup is less convincing than [insert something really unconvincing]. They can pitch enough to take second I suppose. I would catch the occasional Sox game on TV in Chicago. That Hawk guy is pretty unbearable. Give me Keith Hernandez criticizing the first baseman's footwork.

3. Hrmmm... let's go with the Tigers

These guys might actually be better than the White Sox. The thing is, they are also worse. It will depend on the day. It always depends on the day.

4. The Indians

I want them to win, but they won't win shit until they change that stupid logo. Listen here Cleveland people. I will buy a piece of Cleveland Spiders merchandise. That's $20 you can't have now, but will have on that condition. I bet I'm not the only one. Do it. I'm sick of this bullshit.

5. The Royals

Joe Posnanski, Bill James, Rob Neyer, Rany Jazayerli... these are some of the finest names in baseball writing. All are associated with the Royals. JoePo is pretty much the only reason I can name a non-Greinke Royal. Also the only reason I care about their fortunes. I wouldn't be shocked at all if there was something about Kansas City, be it the water, the light, the energy, the attitude... something that produces brilliant writing and crappy baseball.

The A.L. West

Whooooosh. The west wind blows. Sail until you reach land. Then keep a friendly demeanor and a hand half a moment from your cutlass. Whoooooosh.

1. I want to put the Mariners in. They have the best 1-2 pitching punch... awesome D... sneachy Ichiro... everyone loves Fig Newmans...

Screw it, the La La Angels

It'll be tighter this year, but I'll give it to them until they give it away. They are still good, and Scocia is probably the best manager in the division. Maybe in the A.L. Godzilla's not dead either.

2. The Mariners

Even for this I hesitate, because the Rangers are good too. Still... Fig Newmans...

3. The Rangers

Blardy blar sning bang woop patowza. That's all I got.

4. The athletic gentlemen from the land of the oaks.

Bill Beane, ever intriguing. One of these days we will wake up and the A's will be shockingly good. Don't expect this day to come before 2013. Maybe he's just in it for the long count.

A.L. 2009

The seasons are shifting. Cold things are becoming warm. Cool things are becoming hot and uncool things are becoming cool. It all means so much (and nothing at all), far more than I can comprehend. One thing I do know is that it's time for my little annual tradition of predicting the 2009 baseball season.

Fair warning: These predictions will be so accurate it will question the notion of linear time. You might feel high, light-headed, bewildered, ecstatic. Your friends will say that there's something different about you. You will say that there's something different about you. The world will make loads more sense, except around certain people. You may find yourself suddenly interested in the following things: Jesus, leeks, trampolines, Saturn (the planet), the color maroon, Bugs Bunny, Saturn (the Roman god), fractals, atomic structure, wolves, rice, Tibet, Tibet Sprague, crop circles, afternoon television, features shared by more than one person, and gold, to name a few.

There are only three rules: The Mets win, I am right, and there are no rules.

Now without further ado:

The A.L. East
Oh dear oh dear oh dear, what to do here. The consensus 4th place team (the bluebirds of happiness) would at least contend in any other division. Last year's cinderella gets to keep the dress, the carriage and the shoes, but they might get outbonked by the big boys. The Yankees spent more money than anyone other than the government, and the Red Sox invested craftily and might be better than anyone. There is also a team that plays in this division called the Baltimore Orioles, but I can't get a straight story about who they are or where they come from.
1. The Red Sox
Gotta like their style. They already had a super solid squad so they find every cheap high potential reward player to augment. They should be able to find enough good pitching to be a good pitching team. For some reason I don't totally trust the top of their rotation to be tops for most of the season, but I think enough of their guesses will be right. Kevin Youkilis would have been an awesome viking if born in different times.

2. The Rays
I don't like picking the Yankees third, but I don't like their mojo either, and these guys still have a great group. I imagine they'll regress a little, but by midseason they ought to be really good again. I have this hunch that they might trade for Roy Oswalt. For everything that went right last year, they might have things that didn't go right this year. They also might have a few more fans. Hard to say though, Florida is full of paradoxes.

3. The Yankees
So much is right and so much is wrong here. They spent a bajillion dollars and that will make them better, but maybe not better enough. A-Rod is really really good, but he needs to find a way to be in the news that doesn't make you cringe. Posada is getting old. So are Matsui and Damon. So is Jeter. They need more good stuff up the middle. They need to A.J. Burnett to be about as good as they're paying him to be, and that seems unlikely. Still, what would we do without them?

4. The Blue Jays
Good folks with bad timing. They don't hit enough, and they're in the wrong division. It would be nice to see their luck turn for the better and for them to sneak into the wild card, but that's the thing with baseball: the season is really really long. Sooner or later, the truth comes out. If you want to read more Blue Jay thoughts, scroll down to my 5a.m. thoughts on them below.

5. The Orioles
Last year the Orioles traded Miguel Tejada to the Astros. This was a good baseball move, but much more importantly, it made the Astros the new Orioles, and now the Orioles can be something else. Something that develops players and only splurges on the latest hotness when they're close to beating the big boys. One advantage to playing in the A.L. East: if you're not that good, you know not to try too hard.

The A.L. Central

In the A.L. there is one division of great teams (even the Orioles will have a very productive year, even if they will only win 71 games), there is a division of average teams, and there is a divsion of mediocre teams. I wonder if it has to do with the ferocity and love for baseball being the thickest and most congealed on the East Coast, and getting steadily less fierce and solid as you go west. Maybe it's not exactly the love of baseball, but the love of winning professional baseball games. I can't help but feel that this just matters a little more on the Eastern part of the country. I think this speaks well of the West Coast. I appreciate its "Eastern" (as in Zen, etc.) thinking.

Either way, for the next five or so paragraphs, I'm stuck in the middle with you. Let's see what this sandwich is made of.

1. The Cleveland Spiders
Ok, that's not really their name. It's the Cleveland Indians. A few years ago when the Indians were up 3-1 on the Red Sox in the ALCS, the wonderful Joe Posnanski wrote a wonderful piece about how the Indians were probably going to win one of the next three, and probably going to win the World Series after that, and either way it's probably time to change their logo to something other than Chief (fucking) Wahoo. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, there is a professional baseball team that represents itself with a cartoon of a grinning Indian named Chief Wahoo. In his piece, Joe offers the name the "Spiders" for the team that plays in Cleveland. That was actually one of the names used by that franchise back in the very early days of baseball. It also offers some truly exciting logo and mascot possibilities.

I like this team for whatever reasons that I sometimes like teams other than the Mets, but I can't really throw my full support behind a team with that symbol. I hope that their next World Series and the end of Chief Wahoo are somehow related, but who knows. The Devil Rays became the Rays and then got crazy good, and that was with a name that probably wasn't too offensive to very many people. Think about it Cleveland.

Anyway, right now they seem to be the most above-average of this group of average squads. They have pitching issues, but at least their fourth starter isn't Sidney Ponson.

2.The Minnesota Identical Telepathic Twins

That's obviously not their name either, but maybe I just don't feel like correctly naming the teams in the A.L. Central today. I was tempted to write in the Royals, but their fourth starter is Sidney Ponson. Also, it's still one of those little truths that the Twins are almost always a little better than you think they are. They say it's better to be lucky than good, but the Twins are good at being lucky. They won't make the playoffs but they get my stamp of approval, and that's what most teams are playing for anyway.

3. The Kansas City Royal Crown Colas

Third place goes to whoever wants it the most, and that would be the Kansas Ponsonians. I am baffled with the baseball writing talent that is somehow associated with Kansas City. James, JoePo, Rany, Neyer.... Kansas, perhaps I underestimated you. I guess it doesn't really matter now, though, now that I'm not there anymore.

4. The Chicago Smart Wool Socks

I was going to give these guys their "proper" name, because honestly, what's funnier than a baseball team calling themselves the "White Socks," or "Sox" I guess, but whatever. Or maybe not whatever, because the use of the X is just to seXy things up, and make you forget that this team is named after the things you put me between your shoes and your feet (and the most bland color imaginable). South siders, I say ditch it or (much better) embrace it. Wear white socks on your hands. Wear them on your ears. Make big ridiculous things out of socks. I give them points for having this weird blue collar style that comes from the top on down, but I'm not convinced that they are above below-average.

5. The Bengal Tigers

This is a mess. That is no longer in question. The question now is if it's just a mess or a really big mess. This year they are paying Gary Sheffield $14 MILLION to not play for them, and Dontrelle Willis almost as much to not be good enough to play for them. They are using a 20 year-old kid in the rotation to try to save the job of a 200 year-old manager. Their problems are just a little too easy to compare to those of Detroit and those of Tigers. To the Detroit Tigers, I offer this plan of action. 1) Save the Tigers. 2) Save Detroit. Once you have done those things, you will look up to see yourselves with an amazing baseball team. Good luck.

The A.L. West
The West likes to try things. They don't always work, but they don't always not work. That's why it's called trying.

1. The California Angels
At least half the reason they win the division is because no one else does. They play a "West Coast style" offense. It's not necessarily a good offense, but it's fun for everyone involved, and it should be good enough. I don't know if they could win any divisions east of them, but hey, they don't have to.

2. The Oakland A's
Just when I think Billy Beane seems to constantly be developing a contending team without actually building it high enough to actually contend, he goes out and gets a bunch of veterans with an eye toward contending. I like it. Their rotation is still too much of a shoulder shrug, but they've definitely won (back) some style points. They seem as well positioned as anyone in the division for 2010. For '9, the Angels probably have enough residual goodness to win, and also the A's rotation is filled entirely by people who just recently decided to put photography on the back-burner while they see if this baseball thing works out.

3. The Texas Rangers
Let's go ahead and make it a clean Angles in '9, A's in '10, Rangers in '11, Mariners in '12. Former team owner George W. Bush will throw out the Rangers' ceremonial first pitch this year. He represents the idea that a good offense trumps all. Both he and the team he used to run have spent the most important years of their lives illuminating the fallacies of this line of thinking. I hear the Rangers have some great young pitching in the "pipeline." I also hear we have a real president now.

4. The Seattle Mariners.
I really want this team to be good again. The world is just a hair more special when good baseball is played in Seattle. For now, they busy themselves with the ultimate nostalgia signing and the search for a fungus that will naturally and safely clean up the mess left by the previous administration. As stated earlier, the division is there's for the taking in 2012. For now, these Mariners would do well to invest in a good compass.

Stay tuned. N.L. coming shortly.

A Strange Epidemic

8% of baseball players cannot focus without amphetamines. They look aimlessly around the dugout while they wait to bat. They look at the grass and the fans when they are on the field. They think about the last conversation they had, and the fan in the green shirt. They rotely slump into position as the next pitches. Fortunately these players take prescription speed before games so that they don't have an unfair disadvantage, and y'know, just to get by. One time I was to this party with a lot of major league baseball players, and I kept having really short conversations with them. As I left I felt like I had spent the night watching TV.

Blue Jays, Past Present and Future

The Blue Jays of my youth were blue saviors. It was 1991 and 2, and I, at times, was blue. My bizarre sense of humor* didn’t seem to catch the way it did in my earlier years, or perhaps it was merely the offense that is growing up. Through fourth grade I had known little but ups, and it had come time to learn about the occasional downs. Such is life. It’s quite beautiful really.

*I had a thought about my sense of humor the other day: what I really revel in are things that demonstrably don’t make sense to either the person on the receiving end of the information nor the one on the sending end. I thought this while wearing my Salzer Brother’s Mechanics shirt. I have no idea who the Salzer Brothers are, nor do I have any idea how I got that shirt. It was never my brother’s and none of my friends seemed to recognize it. As far as I was concerned, one day it simply showed up in my closet. That, to me, was the Pujols of shirt acquisition.

Speaking of Pujols, back to baseball. Actually I think Albert Pujols and I are around the same age (I’m 27) so he was about 10 at the time too. The Mets were terrible. They’d gone from laughable to not funny anymore. The Mets of glory that closed out the 80s had turned into Japan’s lost decade.

Through the telescope of the box scores printed in the New York Times Sports section, I saw a distant utopia. I saw John Olerud hitting .400 for half a season. I saw Roberto Alomar being a tremendously complete player. I saw Devon White playing a beautiful center field and a fantastic leadoff guy who would occasionally whack a home run. I saw Joe Carter as the aging hero, still good enough to hit cleanup. I saw Paul Molitor as another really good player who happened to play half his games in Toronto. I saw Juan Guzman and Pat Hentgen being very difficult to beat. I saw Ed Sprague being the only non-star in the lineup but still being, at least in my eyes, pleasantly solid. A poor man’s Scott Brosius perhaps (wait, what happened to Brosius? He was Brosius and then he was gone. Maybe he knew when to get out and he did.) In the Jays I had a nominal second favorite team that I could happily obsess over while mostly ignoring my nominal first favorite team. I was rewarded with two World Series. To me, neither ever seemed in doubt. That team was too good.

Now, in 2009, I look at the Blue Jays, as a team that up until last year, were always a very good team that could theoretically finish in second, or who knows, maybe even win the division, but realistically were very likely, and inevitably did end up in third behind momma bear and poppa bear. Now another one has grown up faster than them, and the Blue Jays are a very good team that could finish in third, or if things get really weird, maybe second, but realistically are very likely to finish fourth behind momma bear, poppa bear and Miley Ray Cyrus.

Not only are they losing the race, but some of the parts may be coming loose, damaged or old. I used to feel that Scott Rolen had the presence, calm and effectiveness of a large cat. He always seemed poised, in control, and he might, at any moment, choose to end you. Now he’s one of those guys who’s still good, but if I’m an opposing team, I’m secretly glad that they have him. Especially over a long season. Maybe it’s just me.

The Jays had a good core, but with some missing parts, and they made a stab at the whole acquiring high quality veteran players route in the hopes of toppling a giant. It had a sort of karmic backlash that seems to hit my Mets so frequently. Scott Rolen remembered that he gets hurt, and it knocks him out or messes with his bat speed and power and the like. Frank Thomas remembered that he was old and not on illegal enhancers. Lyle Overbay remembered that he’s not necessarily particularly good. David Eckstein remained as scrappy as Popeye. He didn’t forget to be mediocre offensively either.

I found it a little surreal when the Blue Jays rehired Cito Gaston to be their manager last year. He was the manager of the early 90s Jays. Maybe they were hoping he could bring a little of the old magic with him. It's halfway to hogwash, but there's something to be said for the muscle memory of winning. Knowing in your body that something can happen makes it more accessible. It's not a prerequisite, and you still have to be good, and even the losers get lucky sometimes, but mindset matters.

People say that the Blue Jays are just behind the other three talent-wise, and would be favored to win just about any other division, but they are where they are, and if it doesn't work out this year they need to think about starting over and looking more toward 2011 and 2012. They would have the best tradables on the market, and they could stop being a team that "should" finish higher, but never does. The clowns and the jokers have passed them, and one way or another the Toronto Blue Jays must figure out how to unstick themselves from the middle.