A.L. 2009

The seasons are shifting. Cold things are becoming warm. Cool things are becoming hot and uncool things are becoming cool. It all means so much (and nothing at all), far more than I can comprehend. One thing I do know is that it's time for my little annual tradition of predicting the 2009 baseball season.

Fair warning: These predictions will be so accurate it will question the notion of linear time. You might feel high, light-headed, bewildered, ecstatic. Your friends will say that there's something different about you. You will say that there's something different about you. The world will make loads more sense, except around certain people. You may find yourself suddenly interested in the following things: Jesus, leeks, trampolines, Saturn (the planet), the color maroon, Bugs Bunny, Saturn (the Roman god), fractals, atomic structure, wolves, rice, Tibet, Tibet Sprague, crop circles, afternoon television, features shared by more than one person, and gold, to name a few.

There are only three rules: The Mets win, I am right, and there are no rules.

Now without further ado:

The A.L. East
Oh dear oh dear oh dear, what to do here. The consensus 4th place team (the bluebirds of happiness) would at least contend in any other division. Last year's cinderella gets to keep the dress, the carriage and the shoes, but they might get outbonked by the big boys. The Yankees spent more money than anyone other than the government, and the Red Sox invested craftily and might be better than anyone. There is also a team that plays in this division called the Baltimore Orioles, but I can't get a straight story about who they are or where they come from.
1. The Red Sox
Gotta like their style. They already had a super solid squad so they find every cheap high potential reward player to augment. They should be able to find enough good pitching to be a good pitching team. For some reason I don't totally trust the top of their rotation to be tops for most of the season, but I think enough of their guesses will be right. Kevin Youkilis would have been an awesome viking if born in different times.

2. The Rays
I don't like picking the Yankees third, but I don't like their mojo either, and these guys still have a great group. I imagine they'll regress a little, but by midseason they ought to be really good again. I have this hunch that they might trade for Roy Oswalt. For everything that went right last year, they might have things that didn't go right this year. They also might have a few more fans. Hard to say though, Florida is full of paradoxes.

3. The Yankees
So much is right and so much is wrong here. They spent a bajillion dollars and that will make them better, but maybe not better enough. A-Rod is really really good, but he needs to find a way to be in the news that doesn't make you cringe. Posada is getting old. So are Matsui and Damon. So is Jeter. They need more good stuff up the middle. They need to A.J. Burnett to be about as good as they're paying him to be, and that seems unlikely. Still, what would we do without them?

4. The Blue Jays
Good folks with bad timing. They don't hit enough, and they're in the wrong division. It would be nice to see their luck turn for the better and for them to sneak into the wild card, but that's the thing with baseball: the season is really really long. Sooner or later, the truth comes out. If you want to read more Blue Jay thoughts, scroll down to my 5a.m. thoughts on them below.

5. The Orioles
Last year the Orioles traded Miguel Tejada to the Astros. This was a good baseball move, but much more importantly, it made the Astros the new Orioles, and now the Orioles can be something else. Something that develops players and only splurges on the latest hotness when they're close to beating the big boys. One advantage to playing in the A.L. East: if you're not that good, you know not to try too hard.

The A.L. Central

In the A.L. there is one division of great teams (even the Orioles will have a very productive year, even if they will only win 71 games), there is a division of average teams, and there is a divsion of mediocre teams. I wonder if it has to do with the ferocity and love for baseball being the thickest and most congealed on the East Coast, and getting steadily less fierce and solid as you go west. Maybe it's not exactly the love of baseball, but the love of winning professional baseball games. I can't help but feel that this just matters a little more on the Eastern part of the country. I think this speaks well of the West Coast. I appreciate its "Eastern" (as in Zen, etc.) thinking.

Either way, for the next five or so paragraphs, I'm stuck in the middle with you. Let's see what this sandwich is made of.

1. The Cleveland Spiders
Ok, that's not really their name. It's the Cleveland Indians. A few years ago when the Indians were up 3-1 on the Red Sox in the ALCS, the wonderful Joe Posnanski wrote a wonderful piece about how the Indians were probably going to win one of the next three, and probably going to win the World Series after that, and either way it's probably time to change their logo to something other than Chief (fucking) Wahoo. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, there is a professional baseball team that represents itself with a cartoon of a grinning Indian named Chief Wahoo. In his piece, Joe offers the name the "Spiders" for the team that plays in Cleveland. That was actually one of the names used by that franchise back in the very early days of baseball. It also offers some truly exciting logo and mascot possibilities.

I like this team for whatever reasons that I sometimes like teams other than the Mets, but I can't really throw my full support behind a team with that symbol. I hope that their next World Series and the end of Chief Wahoo are somehow related, but who knows. The Devil Rays became the Rays and then got crazy good, and that was with a name that probably wasn't too offensive to very many people. Think about it Cleveland.

Anyway, right now they seem to be the most above-average of this group of average squads. They have pitching issues, but at least their fourth starter isn't Sidney Ponson.

2.The Minnesota Identical Telepathic Twins

That's obviously not their name either, but maybe I just don't feel like correctly naming the teams in the A.L. Central today. I was tempted to write in the Royals, but their fourth starter is Sidney Ponson. Also, it's still one of those little truths that the Twins are almost always a little better than you think they are. They say it's better to be lucky than good, but the Twins are good at being lucky. They won't make the playoffs but they get my stamp of approval, and that's what most teams are playing for anyway.

3. The Kansas City Royal Crown Colas

Third place goes to whoever wants it the most, and that would be the Kansas Ponsonians. I am baffled with the baseball writing talent that is somehow associated with Kansas City. James, JoePo, Rany, Neyer.... Kansas, perhaps I underestimated you. I guess it doesn't really matter now, though, now that I'm not there anymore.

4. The Chicago Smart Wool Socks

I was going to give these guys their "proper" name, because honestly, what's funnier than a baseball team calling themselves the "White Socks," or "Sox" I guess, but whatever. Or maybe not whatever, because the use of the X is just to seXy things up, and make you forget that this team is named after the things you put me between your shoes and your feet (and the most bland color imaginable). South siders, I say ditch it or (much better) embrace it. Wear white socks on your hands. Wear them on your ears. Make big ridiculous things out of socks. I give them points for having this weird blue collar style that comes from the top on down, but I'm not convinced that they are above below-average.

5. The Bengal Tigers

This is a mess. That is no longer in question. The question now is if it's just a mess or a really big mess. This year they are paying Gary Sheffield $14 MILLION to not play for them, and Dontrelle Willis almost as much to not be good enough to play for them. They are using a 20 year-old kid in the rotation to try to save the job of a 200 year-old manager. Their problems are just a little too easy to compare to those of Detroit and those of Tigers. To the Detroit Tigers, I offer this plan of action. 1) Save the Tigers. 2) Save Detroit. Once you have done those things, you will look up to see yourselves with an amazing baseball team. Good luck.

The A.L. West
The West likes to try things. They don't always work, but they don't always not work. That's why it's called trying.

1. The California Angels
At least half the reason they win the division is because no one else does. They play a "West Coast style" offense. It's not necessarily a good offense, but it's fun for everyone involved, and it should be good enough. I don't know if they could win any divisions east of them, but hey, they don't have to.

2. The Oakland A's
Just when I think Billy Beane seems to constantly be developing a contending team without actually building it high enough to actually contend, he goes out and gets a bunch of veterans with an eye toward contending. I like it. Their rotation is still too much of a shoulder shrug, but they've definitely won (back) some style points. They seem as well positioned as anyone in the division for 2010. For '9, the Angels probably have enough residual goodness to win, and also the A's rotation is filled entirely by people who just recently decided to put photography on the back-burner while they see if this baseball thing works out.

3. The Texas Rangers
Let's go ahead and make it a clean Angles in '9, A's in '10, Rangers in '11, Mariners in '12. Former team owner George W. Bush will throw out the Rangers' ceremonial first pitch this year. He represents the idea that a good offense trumps all. Both he and the team he used to run have spent the most important years of their lives illuminating the fallacies of this line of thinking. I hear the Rangers have some great young pitching in the "pipeline." I also hear we have a real president now.

4. The Seattle Mariners.
I really want this team to be good again. The world is just a hair more special when good baseball is played in Seattle. For now, they busy themselves with the ultimate nostalgia signing and the search for a fungus that will naturally and safely clean up the mess left by the previous administration. As stated earlier, the division is there's for the taking in 2012. For now, these Mariners would do well to invest in a good compass.

Stay tuned. N.L. coming shortly.